Utterly Problematic
by Metoria
Summary: There is an Invasion of the camp and the men have to find out who and why it has occurred. However Carter's love for animals might get in their way.
1. Chapter 1 Invasion

Utterly Problematic-

Chapter 1- Invasion

…

…

Hogan and the men sat around their table eating breakfast. It wasn't anything incredible but it was good anyway. Lebeau made it after all. There was a tap at the window. Then a thump, thump outside the door.

Hogan stopped mid chew and looked around the table. 'Did the others hear it?'

Thump, thump. Carter looked behind himself to the door then at the colonel.

Newkirk was looking too. "It isn't a knock."

"No." Hogan finished his mouthful then stood and went to the door. He listened to the other side, a huff from a snout could be heard. A snout? A dog? Hogan looked at the men who were waiting with anticipation. He raised an eye brow and opened the door. It was a good thing his mouth wasn't full or else he might have choked. The entire camp was over run by bovine animals.

"Cows?" Newkirk asked going to the door. He looked at Hogan who shrugged. Kinch joined them. Their entire door was blocked by the creatures. They couldn't get out unless they decided to climb over the animals or crawl under them which didn't sound to good to them. There were cows as far as the eye could see from one side of the compound to the other.

"Well, that's odd," Carter was at Hogan's left now.

Hogan looked around, how did they get in? The front gate was busted open and the guards couldn't move. It seemed that security was tightened outside the gate incase the prisoners decided to try and escape.

"I'm going to go and get some information out of Klink." Hogan said about to step forward.

"How?" Carter asked causing Hogan to stop. That was a good question.

"I don't know, any good ideas?" Hogan asked his team.

They looked out over the compound. They seemed to be breaking up. There had to be at least sixty bovines.

They moved further into the compound. The one in front of their door wasn't about to move though. Hogan sighed. Carter ducked down and began crawling under the cow to get out on the other side. The cow turned and tried to get into the barracks. Hogan and the men tried to block the way and tried to push the cow back. It had a tag on it's ear with the number four.

Carter, had its back end trying to pull it back away from the door. It was branded. Carter only glanced at it but it looked familiar. He'd figure it out later. The cow was able to push through into the barracks and made its way into the Colonel's office. He was not happy about this. He sighed and rubbed his forehead. Now that the cow was gone he made his way out to the Kommandant's office. He had to wait a moment for the Bald Eagle to show up from other business. He stormed up to the office and immediately dismissed the American officer. "You're dismissed Hogan, I don't care to listen to your complaints today."

"Colonel Klink, you can't expect me to share my office with a cow!"

Newkirk ran in. "Make that three cows sir."

Hogan was getting a headache.

Klink opened the door to his private office to find four cows sharing the room. "What is the meaning of this!" His eyes nearly popped out of his head. "Out! Get out!" The cows made no sign that they even heard him.

Carter came in next to Newkirk. "Sir, the cows are all making their homes in all the barracks. Barracks two is filled. The men had to move out."

"That was fast." Hogan said.

"When the cows saw that first cow go in first they all followed." Carter said somewhat out of breath.

"Carter why are you out of breath?" Hogan asked since by the sounds of it the cows weren't in the way in the compound anymore.

"More cows just showed up and are crowding the compound again Sir, I had to get around them." Carter said pointing to the outside.

Hogan and Klink exchanged a look of terror and ran out onto the porch followed by Newkirk and Carter to see a large herd of bovines bust down one of the fences and file into the compound. Then the phone rang.

Klink ran in to answer it. "Yes Hello?" There was a pause. "Hilda?" His eyes bugged out. "Hammelburg roads are blocked off because of cows? What? They're coming this way? You can't get out of your house?"

Hogan looked at his men who were very surprised. "Colonel ask how many."

Klink looked at Hogan. "How many?" His eyes bugged out even more at the answer. "Yes, Thank you." and he hung up.

"So?" Hogan asked eagerly.

"At least two hundred." Klink said shock and terror evident in his face and voice.

Hogan didn't know what to say or do.

Newkirk and Carter exchanged looks then looked that their stunned commanding officer. "Sir?" Newkirk looked at the colonel in the face. Carter poked him in the shoulder. No response. Newkirk, who held his hat in his hands looked over to Klink who had the same dumbfounded look on his face. "I think we're on our own for the time bein', mate."

Carter shrugged. He grew up near a farm, they had tons of cows, not this many granted but a lot. He helped out on the farm a lot when he was a kid for some extra money. He'd use his knowledge as best as he could. Newkirk shared this experience as well when he was young.

Carter decided to try and snap the colonel out of his shock. "Colonel?" He poked him. "Sir!" He said firmer.

Hogan snapped out of it and looked at his men. "We've got to find out where they came from." He returned to his usual self.

Carter nodded and left with Newkirk and the Colonel leaving Klink as he was. They needed a plan. Just as they left the office they saw a large truck of S.S. men, and Gestapo arrive.

"Great!" Hogan went straight to his barracks. After making his way around the new bovine guests he made it to his desk and plugged in the coffee pot. Kinch, Newkirk and Lebeau were there as well. Carter seemed to have disappeared, no doubt with the cows.

Then Hogan stopped, "This Coffee pot is no good." He put his head in his hand.

"Why not Sir?" Kinch asked.

"Klink's office is overrun with cows too. I doubt they'll have the meeting there." Hogan thought quickly. "Lebeau run to the office and try to listen in."

Lebeau nodded and ran out of the room. Then ran back. "Sir, there's a problem!"

"What?" Hogan asked standing and almost tripping over a cow that was lying on the floor making itself comfortable.

"Carter." Lebeau said simply.

Hogan ran out of the barracks to see Carter making of the cows. "Oh no," They all knew what that meant; he'd want to keep them.

Then the Gestapo Major Hochstetter walked into Klink's office. He seemed mad. Hogan followed hoping that he'd get some sort of information. While Kinch and the others stayed with Carter.

…

[AN] I know I know, 'Where the heck does she come up with these things?' Mainly the help of my sister. She gives me a general idea and I go from there. Hope you'll like this one.


	2. Chapter 2 Information

Utterly Problematic-

Chapter 2- Information

…

…

Hogan walked into the outer office in time to hear Klink explain the whole story to Hochstetter. "They just showed up right after roll call and invaded the compound. I have no idea where they came from. They've already moved into the barracks, and Hilda called saying there are more in Hammelburg that are making their way here too."

"Klink, we can't have cows in a prison camp!" Hochstetter said angrily.

"Yes, my thoughts exactly." Klink said agreeing at once.

Hogan stood there listening, then stepped forward. "Sir, about the cows in the barracks?"

"It will be taken care of Hogan." Klink said dismissively.

"It better!" Hogan said but still sticking around.

"We need to know whose they are, and where they came from." Hochstetter began to pace. "They seem to be coming through Hammelburg.

"Perhaps one of the neighboring farms lost them." Klink suggested.

"No we checked that. These cows came out of nowhere." Hochstetter said trying to figure out this strange puzzle.

Lebeau ran in to the office. "Colonel, we need your help."

"What's going on?" Hogan asked turning around, with hat in hand.

"It's the cow Carter was giving attention to." Lebeau pointed out into the compound.

"It didn't gore him did it?" Hogan got worried stepping forward.

"Oh no, it doesn't have horns." Lebeau clarified, "It's giving birth, but we need help keeping the other cows from getting too close."

Hogan left with Lebeau and was followed by Hochstetter and Klink. There in the center of the compound there was a ring of men keeping the other cattle out of the way. Hogan, Lebeau, Klink and Hochstetter broke through the ring to see Wilson, Carter and Newkirk helping the mother who was giving birth. It was really quite a beautiful thing. Next thing Hogan knew Lebeau was on the ground. He shook his head. He knew the Frenchman couldn't handle the sight of blood, but apparently he couldn't handle the sight of birth either. Kinch went over to take care of Lebeau.

It wasn't too long before the calf was on the ground next to its mother who was cleaning it up. Carter and Newkirk had towels and helped the mother clean up the small creature.

Hogan looked up and saw Schultz, who made up part of the circle, crying his eyes out, of course. Hogan smiled. He looked over to Klink who was smiling happily, but Hochstetter really didn't seem to care. He seemed intrigued maybe, but not moved.

Before Hogan realized what was going on the calf got up and gored him. "Oof!" Luckily it was still young and didn't have big horns, And since it was just born it wasn't as strong as it could be. But it did knocked him off his feet and onto his backside; knocked the wind out of him too. "I thought calves couldn't walk for a few hours after they're born." He said between grunted breaths and gritted teeth.

"'E ran at you, Sir, I believe there is a difference." Newkirk said jokingly. He helped his commanding officer to his feet and they watched the calf go back to its mother who bit his ear.

"I think she scolded him." Carter said with a soft laugh. He stood and joined the other men.

Hogan and Kinch looked at one another, Carter had drawn the Englander onto his side. At least it was the entire camp against two.

"BAH!" Hochstetter left and returned to Klink's office. Klink hung back a bit admired the calf then continued on.

The mother licked the calf's ears as it settled down for a nap.

"Hey Peter," Carter asked.

"Yeah?" Newkirk leaned down and patted the creatures head playfully.

"What should we call him?" Carter asked seriously.

Newkirk looked at him.

Hogan prayed that the Englander would be against naming it.

However… "Hmm, I don't know, 'ow about Colonel 'ogan!" He and Carter laughed lightly.

Hogan shook his head, 'Oh, well, so much for that'. Then it hit him. "Carter you didn't name all the cows did you?"

"Oh no, Sir." Carter said kneeling down next to the calf.

"Oh good." Hogan said to himself.

"I haven't gotten around to them to name them all, yet." Carter said casually.

Hogan put his head in his hands. 'Yet?' He sighed. 'There is always that YET factor you just have to consider.' Well at least it would keep him busy.

Kinch tapped the Colonel on the shoulder, "Sir, what do you notice about those brands?"

Hogan looked around at the cows, they each had a different brand on them, at least the ones that were numbered. The mother, number four, had a brand as well. Hogan recognized it almost immediately. He looked at Kinch and lowered his voice, "London?"

Kinch nodded.

"Why would they send a message like this?" Hogan asked looking around at all the cows. "And where did they get so many cows?"

Kinch shrugged but pulled out a note pad. On it was written the following:

12... I

19... T

5... U

13... O

1... B

4... W

"That's all I have so far." Kinch said, putting away the pad of paper.

Hogan looked around, the cattle from Hammelburg were arriving now. How were they supposed to find out the message on all these cows? They would have to go through all of them.

The letters were in code yes, but still, was it safe? Hogan looked again at the many cows. Yeah, it was safe.

He figured it was time to get the others in on this. "Carter, Newkirk,"

The two men looked up and saw Hogan motioning for them to follow.

"Uhh… What happened?" Lebeau was waking up too.

Carter walked up, "You fainted like an old lady."

Lebeau jumped to his feet. "I'm no old lady!"

"Alright!" Hogan had to break them up. He lowered his voice, "These cattle were sent to us from London."

Lebeau smiled. "Dinner?"

Carter slugged him in the arm. "Don't say that in front of them."

Lebeau slugged him back. "Well, if they are for dinner and they don't want to be eaten then they can leave!"

Carter went to slug him back but Hogan intercepted it. "Please can we focus on the issue at hand!"

The two men went to focusing!

"They aren't for dinner, they are carrying a coded, message for us." Hogan said looked over to the cows with the brands on their hind ends.

"Do you think they want to wish us a good job on our last mission?" Carter asked seriously.

Everyone just looked at him. "Carter, I highly doubt that they went to all this trouble just to tell us we did a good job."

"Oh okay." Carter looked over to the calf and smiled.

"Are you listening, Carter?" Hogan asked half annoyed half amused.

Carter snapped his head around and saluted. "Yes, Sir!"

Hogan sighed. "Alright. I want everyone to search each corner of the compound for the marked cattle."

"How will we know them?" Carter asked.

"They have numbers tagged on their ears. They will have a brand on their hind end, copy it down and report back to the barracks when you've searched all the cows. Carter you take the east corner with Newkirk, Lebeau and Kinch the West, I'll take the north then we'll all search the south since there are a lot there."

The men nodded and, once dismissed and given the tools they would need, meaning paper and pencil, they ventured off to their designated corners.

…

That's all fine and good, but what happens when the Germans decide what they want to do with the cows? Find out next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3 Problems

Utterly Problematic-

Chapter 3- Problems

…

Hogan had looked through nearly twenty cows and only two of them had tags! This was slow process but it had to be done. He had found numbers sixteen and seven.

16... F

7... M

He wasn't even sure how many there were. There could be a hundred letters that he had to find, hopefully London made it a small number like twenty. However he was sure he didn't have that kind of luck.

"Sir!"

Hogan turned and saw the Englander running to him. "Newkirk? What's going on?"

"It's Carter, Sir!" Newkirk panted. "The Germans want to put down the animals and Carter wont let them. 'E's protecting them; shielding them with 'imself, Sir."

Hogan turned from what he was doing and ran to the eastern part of the compound to see Carter standing in front of, what looked like a firing squad. He was in a heated argument with the guards.

"If you want to kill them, you'll have to kill me first!" the Young man shouted.

Hogan nearly collapsed. How could Carter say that? The Germans WOULD kill him first! They wouldn't care!

Hochstetter pulled out his pistol casually, "Alright fine we'll do it your way."

Carter didn't actually think he would do it and became alarmed.

Hogan jumped forward and got between the two men, protecting Carter. "Now hold on, you can't shoot him, under the Geneva Prisoner of War-"

"Oh alright!" Hochstetter left in a huff, he was in no mood to listen to a lecture on the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention.

Hogan let out a relieved breath and turned to Carter who was now petting the cows.

Hogan rubbed his eyes, trying to clear away his frustration. He turned to see Kinch running to him.

"I heard a commotion, what's going on?" He asked.

"Carter tried protecting the cows." Hogan replied with a sigh.

"An succeeded!" Carter said proudly.

Hogan and Kinch just looked at him. "Back to work." He said simply and went back to his corner of the compound to find the rest of the message.

He was on his side for nearly two hours and only got through about half of the cows. It was tough when they were all huddled together. He managed to find six more characters.

2... L

27...H

6... P

31... A

29... F

35... L

So apparently London didn't keep it to twenty characters. There maybe forty or sixty or even one hundred. Hogan rested against one of the cows. His feet were killing him. He saw Kinch walking toward him.

"So, how'd it go?" Hogan asked. Leaning on one of the cows.

"I'm finished with my corner." Kinch pulled out his paper.

8... U

10... I

23... S

15... S

36... B

39... G

25...U

Hogan gave Kinch his numbers. "You had better luck than I did, I'm not even done yet. Have you tried contacting London?"

"Yeah, but there is no response, they may be having trouble with their radio and so they used this method for us to hurry and get it done."

Hogan sighed. "By the time we figure out the message their radio is bound to be fixed."

Kinch nodded and laughed in agreement. "By the way, I think we better team up and handle the east corner."

Hogan straightened. "Why? I thought Newkirk and Carter were handling that."

Kinch nodded, "Well, they were, but, well maybe you better come see."

Hogan and Kinch ran to the east of the compound and found quite a scene before them. Carter had tied himself to the cows and Newkirk and Lebeau were marching around with signs that read: 'Let the Cows Live'. Somehow Carter and Newkirk were able to sway Lebeau over to their side.

Hogan threw his head in his hands, Why? Why? Why did this have to happen to him? Yes he had a thing for the bizarre and being able to pull it off, but London didn't! He was going to give them a good long lecture when he could communicate with them again. "Alright! What is going on?" Hogan shouted.

Newkirk stopped marching and went up to his commanding officer. "Protectin' the cows, Sir. They want to send them to the meat market."

"Did you at least get the numbers?"

Newkirk looked away and cocked his head, "We're workin' on it…"

Hogan nodded, "Uh-huh. So I noticed." He motioned to Carter who was being pulled by the cow that he was tied to. There was a chain of cows tied together by rope.

"Whoa stop, Ah! Louis help!" Carter was being dragged away by an oblivious, uncaring bovine.

Lebeau ran over to try and help his friend.

"How did you get Lebeau over to your side anyway? I thought he wanted to eat the cows."

"Well, Sir all we had to do was get him to look the critter in the face and see its big sad brown eyes when we mentioned eating it. That seemed to get the point across." Newkirk said.

'So they guilt tripped him.' Hogan felt like the three of them were just goofing off and not actually taking this seriously. However he knew better than to think that about Carter. Carter doesn't joke around when an animal is in trouble. The other two, however he couldn't be sure.

Although Hogan really didn't care what happened to these cows. As long as the Germans waited until after he got the rest of the message. Hogan figured it was up to Kinch and himself. They returned to the Colonel's corner and finished searching it before they went to the South and Newkirk's corner.

After nearly getting squished between cows, stepping in large piles of you-know-what, and Hogan nearly losing his hat to five different stomachs, they finally got the numbers in that corner.

They came out in a frustrated mood but relieved that they were out of there,.

Then Lebeau ran up to them. "Here you are, Sir." Lebeau handed them a piece of paper then ska-doodled out of there to continue taking care of the cows.

The paper read:

30... H

28... O

3... O

22... Y

33... M

38... R

14...N

11...T

26...T

Hogan was glad to know they actually did something while they were standing there. "How many more do you think we'll need?"

"I'll take a look at these to find out what the mission is, or at least try to." Kinch said.

Hogan nodded. "Shall we take on the south corner yet?"

Kinch shrugged then looked down at his shoes. "We may as well."

When they got there they just looked at it and quickly lost all ambition. They sighed in unison. They knew it had to be done, and while Carter, Newkirk and Lebeau were guarding the cows in the east corner he and Kinch were stuck searching for the coded message.

The cows began to move. What were they doing? Kinch looked at Hogan. They were headed for the east corner. He looked in the front and there was Lebeau dressed as Little Bo Peep. Newkirk must have made him the outfit. He was leading the cows to the east corner.

Hogan ran to intercept them. "Lebeau what are you doing? We need to search those cows."

Lebeau turned. "We have to keep all the cows safe so we're rounding them all up."

It was three hours before sunset and just now they decided to round them all up. "Lebeau help us search for the coded message first, and that's an order."

Lebeau saluted with his Bo Peep staff hitting himself in the head and knocking his bonnet into his face.

Hogan tore the bonnet off of the Frenchman. "Why are you wearing this."

"Oh, Carter and Newkirk thought that maybe they would follow a Bo Peep character than a regular person." Lebeau explained casually.

"They would." Hogan knew only one thing, when this was over, he wasn't allowing anymore animals into this camp. Give them an inch worm and they'll take four hundred cows.

Luckily Lebeau did help search the cows. They were able to find these:

18...C

21…R

34…E

24...O

17...A

20…O

32...M

They had finished the last corner and coming in the gate was a meat market truck. Hogan knew what this meant; he'd have to go get Newkirk, Carter, and Lebeau away from the cows. They might be mad at him for a while but there was no way these cows could stay in this camp.

"Kinch go try and figure out that code, I'll handle them." He pointed toward the three men rounding up all the cows. Carter was still tied to the cows and was still being half dragged by them.

"Carter, Newkirk, Lebeau, into the barracks please." Hogan said walking up to them.

They looked over at him then looked behind him and saw the meat market truck and gasped. "No way!" Carter hugged the head of a cow that he was tied too as it chewed its grass. It really didn't seem to care, or notice for that matter.

"Carter, these cows have to be taken out of the camp!" Hogan said sternly.

Carter had a childish look on his face. His head was resting on the cow's head as he held it against his chest.

The cow chewed its grass and paid no heed.

Hogan sighed. He walked up to the young man and began untying his wrists from around the cows' necks.

Carter seemed to panic and pushed Hogan away then pulled the cows into a run.

Hogan turned and saw some Germans running at the cattle with pitch forks. "Has everyone gone crazy?" The Germans looked hungry too. Shultz was leading them.

"Get the cows! We're having beef tonight!" The other Germans cheered at Shultz's proclamation and began pursuing the cattle and the three prisoners guarding them.

Carter and the others were starting a stampede with the cattle.

Hochstetter ran out of Klink's office and yelled, "Stop them! They're trying to escape by starting a stampede with the cattle!" He started running after the crowd of cattle, prisoners, and guards. Klink ran onto his porch to watch. Hogan quickly ran to the porch to get out of the way of the stampede.

With the three parties, prisoners and cows, hungry guards, and pursuing S.S. troops, running back and forth, one would think this was some kind of comedy skit.

Hogan and Klink exchanged a look then looked back to the scene. They weren't sure how to react, yes it was funny, but it also wasn't funny because someone was liable to get hurt or escape.

This was one heck of a day.

…

Cows actually have one stomach, it just has four compartments (random fact of the day) The myth that they have four stomachs isn't entirely accurate. Cows also don't trample on purpose like horses, Cows like steady footing, they don't like stepping on anything squishy (like a body) or something along those lines. They may kick but they don't trample on purpose. (another random fact)


	4. Chapter 4 Solved!

Utterly Problematic

Chapter 4 - Solved!

…

…

The men from the meat market joined Hogan and Klink on the porch. "We could take those cows but they aren't meat cows." The man said.

Hogan and Klink looked at the man. "What?"

"They are milk cows." The man clarified. "I know a man who would want them though." He turned to Klink, "I could call him."

Klink led the man in and let him use the phone in the outer office. The other man stood closer to Hogan. "You received the message from London?"

Hogan looked at him astonished. He didn't say anything.

The man looked at him, the evil glare that he was receiving from the American officer was unspeakably frightening. "Sir?"

"Why did London send cows?" Hogan asked irritably.

"They are having trouble transmitting, the Germans hit and damaged their radio transmitter during a raid on London. They had to get a message to you some how."

"Do you know what the message is?" Hogan asked.

"Of course, I branded the message and numbered them." The man said simply.

"Then why couldn't you have told me?"

The man went to say something but couldn't think of anything to say. "I guess, I just wasn't thinking. And plus I'm in Dusseldorf, how would you get to Dusseldorf from here?"

"It would have been a lot easier than going through the couple hundred cows." Hogan said annoyed.

"Four hundred seventy five actually." The man informed.

Hogan saw Kinch run out of the barracks, almost get trampled and run up onto the porch.

"This is the man responsible for all our troubles." Hogan said introducing the man.

Kinch greeted him. "I have the message, Sir."

"You know Kinch we could have just waited for this fellow to come to the camp and give us the message." Hogan said with false cheer.

Kinch looked at him, lowering his hand with the message in it.

The man was stuck on the spot. He was the target of two angry American underground agents. Lucky for him, before the men could strangle him, Klink and the other man came out.

"A man in Hammelburg is coming to round them all up and take them to his ranch." He said eyeing the cows. "However, I'd like a few, say, four, for my farm." With his cigarette between his lips, he pulled out his wallet and handed Klink a fair amount of money for four cows. Klink's eyes bugged out when he saw the money and quickly stashed it away so Hochstetter didn't see it. There was no way he was sharing his profits.

After about ten minutes of running, the cows got bored and stopped, yanking Carter to a stop causing him to fall onto the ground. Lebeau and Newkirk crashed into the cows and the hungry German soldiers moved in. The three prisoners tried as hard as they could to get the cows moving but to no avail.

Just as the Germans got close enough the meat market man came up to pick out his cows. He eyed them. "I'll take the two your tied to, son, and the two behind you."

Carter was shocked. "But, but! You can't eat them!"

"I'm not going to eat them, they are milk cows, not meat cows." He said untying Carter's wrists and taking his four cows to his truck.

"Milk cows?" Carter asked rubbing his wrists. "You mean they aren't for eating?" He was more saying it as a statement.

The man turned, "That's right." Then took his cows away. His partner hurried to the truck so not to be caught in a fight with Hogan and Kinch.

Shultz and the other German soldiers looked at one another. "Milk cows?"

Carter, Newkirk and Lebeau hopped in a circle holding hands shouting, "Hooray! Hooray!"

Hogan dropped his head into his hand. Kinch looked at him sympathetically. It was always tough trying to work with those three. They weren't always very logical.

It wasn't long before the man from Hammelburg arrived with a couple trucks for the cows. He had to make multiple trips though.

Carter, Newkirk and Lebeau were sad to see them go.

Hogan and Kinch stood by the barracks, the men were cleaning it up. Newkirk, Carter and Lebeau were saying goodbye to all the cows. One by one. Carter had actually named all of them, somehow.

Hogan couldn't even think of one hundred names off the bat. How did Carter do it? He figured he had help from Newkirk and Lebeau. And how did he remember all the names?

There were only about a truck load of cows left. The man returned for the last time, Klink was out there watching, Hochstetter, who had, had enough, left with his men and avoided the whole deal. If one of Klink's prisoners escaped he wouldn't care. He had stepped in enough piles of you-know-what for the rest of his life.

Hogan felt the same.

The man was paying Klink for the last of the cows. He had fit all but two into the truck, it was Number Four and Little Hogan, the calf. They were standing next to Carter. It was nearly sunset and Carter had the saddest look on his face as he petted the creatures. Newkirk and Lebeau were standing by watching, also looking pretty sadly.

Hogan felt bad watching the young man and realized he was getting suckered over to his side. Hogan sighed and approached the Kommandant. "Colonel Klink," He started.

"Yes Hogan?" Klink said cheerfully as he looked at all his money.

"Listen, I think it would be a good idea to keep at least one of the cows."

Klink looked at him shocked.

"Just think, free milk!" He said pointing to Number Four. "The calf is a male too. When he's old enough you can send him after Hochstetter and say, 'he just got out of control'."

Klink thought about it. Free milk was nice, and chasing Hochstetter out of his camp was even better. And if he changed his mind later on he could always sell them. "Alright Hogan." Klink went to tell the man that Number Four and Little Hogan weren't for sale. He didn't seem to mind considering how many he'd gotten and agreed. He paid Klink the last amount for the last of the cows.

Klink was very happy to say the least.

Carter watched as the man came around the back of the truck. He knew the man was coming for Number Four and Little Hogan. However the man closed up the truck and got into the drivers seat.

Carter watched in astonishment as the man drove out of camp. Number Four looked up at him questioningly. Carter looked at Hogan who smiled lightly.

"Colonel?" Carter asked.

Hogan nodded. "They're staying."

Newkirk, Lebeau and Carter broke into a loud cheer and hugged the two cows.

Hogan watched as Klink went to put the money into his safe for the night. He'd put it in the bank tomorrow when it opened.

Shultz walked up, "Too bad we can't eat them." That received him a very dirty look from the men. He backed away slowly.

Little Hogan approached Big Hogan and gently nudged his leg. Hogan looked down at the small bovine. He looked into its big brown eyes and couldn't help but think it was cute. "Hey there little one." He playfully ruffled the short fur on its head. "Don't attack me again okay?"

The calf snorted an agreement and happily galloped over to its mother to head off to bed for the night.

Hogan had nearly forgotten, "Kinch what was the message?"

Kinch had forgotten too, with all the chaos. "I filled in the blanks." He said handing his commanding officer the paper.

Hogan read it:

BLOW UP THE MUNITIONS FACTORY SOUTH OF HAMMELBURG

Sounded simple enough. "Carter get some dynamite together. We have a mission tonight."

Carter nodded and raced off to the barracks and was soon followed by the others since it was getting dark now and they had to be inside the barracks after dark.

It was a busy day, and would be a busy night. Hogan knew he was going to get back, go to bed, get up for roll call then head straight back to bed the next morning. But first take a shower. And after that?

Well…

"Carter, Lebeau, Newkirk in my office!" Hogan said with a edge to his voice He stood in his bathrobe at his door. He had finished his shower only minutes ago.

The three men coward slightly and slowly made their way to the office to await the lecture they knew they'd get. He'd lecture them, get dressed then take them out to handle that munitions factory.

Kinch sat in the common room waiting. He could hear Hogan letting out his frustration at the men and hoped that he'd save some of the three for himself.

"You can't save every animal that comes your way! Cows are meant to be eaten!" Hogan's voice was stern, not angry or mean but stern.

"Colonel!" That was Carter. Kinch could tell the young man was surprised at his commanding officer. He certainly wasn't, he agreed.

After about five minutes of a harsh lecture the men filed out. They were clearly upset but they'd get over it very easily. Carter took it the hardest though.

Hogan closed his door again to dress then led the men out to complete their job. The job was pretty simple. Hogan took Newkirk, Lebeau and Carter out through the emergency tunnel. The job was relatively easy like any other job they usually had. Carter set the explosives on one side of the factory with Newkirk and Lebeau and Hogan set the others on the other side. They were due to go off in an hour, no more no less.

"Uhm, Colonel," Lebeau started as he set the timer. "I just want you to know that I only did it make them happy and-"

Hogan just looked at him with a lack of cheer on his face.

Lebeau stopped and went back to what he was doing.

Carter and Newkirk showed up, after they had finished and the four of them bamboozled out of there and headed back to camp as fast as they could.

It was nearly and hour when they got back. They came down the tunnel and found Kinch at the radio.

"Is London back on air?" Hogan asked.

"Yes, Sir! They said they were able to repair their transmitter. It still needs repairs but it will work over all.

"Good!" Hogan took the microphone from Kinch. "Mama Bear, do you read? This is Papa Bear!"

'Uh-oh." Kinch knew what was coming.

"This is Mama Bear, please continue Papa Bear." The voice was of a woman there was a man in the background Hogan could hear him.

Hogan let loose. "Why did you have to send the message on four hundred cows?"

There was a pause, "W-well… uhm. We thought it would be a good idea so that-"

"Good idea?" Hogan could not believe what he was hearing. "Do you know how many times I stepped in cow pies today? Or almost lost my hat to a cow's stomach, and how many of men got distracted by those blasted cows because of you?" Hogan wasn't going to ease up on them.

Newkirk, Lebeau and Carter knew they were still in trouble and exchanged glances of worry.

"Well, uhm, Colonel Crittendon though that-"

Hogan nearly crushed the microphone in his hand. "CRITTENDON?" His voice was a loud growl. "The man who came to pick up the cows from the meat market knew the message! He was only in Dusseldorf! I could have gotten out there more easily than going through all those ---- Cows!"

The men had never heard their commanding officer cuss! Newkirk quickly covered Carter's ears to shield him from the rest of the cusses that poured out of Hogan's mouth. Carter was in shock and possibly scarred for life. Newkirk wasn't sure.

London was certainly scarred for life. They knew better than to try another stunt like that again.

"If you think that Colonel Crittendon has the ---- brains to plan anything you better ---- think again! Don't EVER do such a stupid ---- stunt EVER AGAIN!"

By the time Hogan had finished his spiel and lecture he was breathing heavily. He felt better… somewhat.

The other side of the radio was silent. Hogan didn't wait around for their response he went straight to bed.

Newkirk took his hands off of Carter's ears and the men exchanged looks of shock because of their commanding officer. "Can 'e be court marshaled for that?" Newkirk asked.

The others shrugged.

Maybe a good night sleep would make him less grumpy. They just couldn't believe the events of the day had gotten to him so much, they were only cows after all. They decided not to disturb him for a long time. And if Shultz came in they would warn him about Hogan's grumpy attitude and save him the suffering and whiplash of the cusses that might come out at him. They might even save Klink if he tried to wake Hogan.

And so the men ventured up to the barracks with the sound of explosions off in the distance of the former munitions factory.

…

The "----" are the cuss words! You can fill in the blanks if you want!


End file.
